Well, it..s the third of may and to make things clear from the start:
The Eagle of Hyperion is having a really bad day.
And yes, I am fully aware that talking about about myself in the third person while referring to myself via a title is pompous, pathetic, arrogant and ridiculous. Newsflash dudes: At the moment I could not care less!
This oh so lovely and sunny weekend, (which should have been a free and joyous one but turned out to be a sadistic, insane, hermaphroditic bitch with the worst menstruation imaginable, tearing up my ass and skullfucking me like the protagonist of "American Psycho" on a titanic overdose of steroids, testosterone and LSD) started with me having to skip a birthday party I was realy looking forward to due to shortage of personnel in this wonderful branch called "elderly care". And why? Well, if everything I have heard is true, then the one to blame is my buddy with whom I share my job, since he had to go on a mandatory excursion for his nearly-abandoned studies. While this was already somewhat unfair, since I always twist and turn to prevent my studies from getting in the way of my work and he seemingly does not, it was further worsened by the fact that this damned slacker has done much less work than he has been paid for, while I on the other hand have been piling up more hours of overtime than the fraggin Empire State Building..s height in meters!
But there I was. At 5am in the morning, greeted by a nice chill that froze my muscles to death, cursing the fraggin cold mornings of spring and desperately trying to keep these things I call my eyeballs open, (which, due to a completely erratic and terminally fucked up sleeping-rhythm, turned out to be a highly resisting, major pain in the ass) I set out for one long shift that should have been the one of my oh so occupied buddy who spends most of his time at home. If anyone ever tells me that being the son of the boss is an advantageous thing I will smash him head first into the hardest wall I can find on this whole damn planet!
And no, I AM the son of the boss, not that slacker! Fairness? What in Christ..s name is that?
Moving on .. 7 nice hours filled with a wide variety of all the nice little horrors that make up that bloody, poorly paid job (every carer for old people will know what I am talking about) and constantly try to nag your mind and soul to death via slow and vicious torture, while wearing down your body faster than sugar wrecks an engine, I finally arrived at home and thought of perusing some communities in the web as a good way to clear my system of all that rage, so that I would be able to take on the task of writing the most elaborate, sophisticated, thrilling and action-filled plot I have ever written in order to make tomorrows RPG-session one of the greatest ones in my history as a DM, since we have a new player. The fact that this also included one nerve-wrecking discussion with the one player that likes to fuck up his characters (and my campaing with them) faster than you can say "get some common sense into that demented psyche of yours!" was, at that point, only one more small issue on a loooong list of major pains in the butt, so that the prospect of having to go through the motions for the hundredth time worried me little. Most of my composure, mental stability and hopes for a nice weekened had anyway departed a long time ago.
Before I could figure out how to get even the slightest bit of satisfaction out of that miserable day however, one fucking picture at the bottom of one ridiculously unimportant profile in germany..s largest electronic student community ruined my day to an extent even my giganticly vibrant imagination could not have dreamed up.
Bam! One slight glance, one fragment of a second, one tiny moment and some very special memories came back with a power that defies all description. Memories of tue love. I an instant I was hurled back to a time that had torn me apart like none other ever has or will again. True love....I know, sounds wonderful right? Wrong! Sorry to disappoint you, but this feeling can only end in tragedy. It has such a power and "mass" that your heart and mind will collapse under it sooner or later, ground to dust, while at the same time you will experience a feeling of ultimate exaltation and sheer, raw gnosis that makes you want to shed that thing you call "body". True love is a paradox, and few are the minds capable of dealing with it. Mine sure is not. Talk about one ruined day.
But hey, the bad news did not end there! Yehaaaw, even more to come! With a mind being blown out of any imaginable orbit I had to give myself a dose of the one drug that helps me refocus in situations like these: caffeine.
But: caffeine is pure poison when it comes to REM-sleep. REM sleep in turn is what polyphasic sleepers like myself need most. ESPECIALLY if their sleeping-rhythm is as fucked up as mine. Which means that my level of sleep-deprivation which has already reached highly unhealthy heights of unhealthieness will only increase. Then, when the caffeine has worn off my mind will suck up the ensuing REM-Sleep like a man in the desert who has not seen water in 40 days, meaning that I will have dreams so vivid they will be almost indistiguishable from reality. Since that day is one of my worst ever, this dreams will of course be the ultimate nightmares. Yeeehaw again! What greater joy could there be than the prospect of a night filled with horror beyond imagination?
And what does a human feel when faced with such a thing? Right, he gets angry in order to shield the feeble psyche from what is at hand.
So calling me "(pissed times 1000) squared" would be the understatement of the century!
Ah well it is may the fifth and the Eagle of Hyperion is having an enlightened day.
And yes, I still do not care what my way of refering to myself is or is not.
2 Days of really bad dreams and the horror of some undescribable force performing spiritual origami with my inner self as paper, and I ended up in this wonderful realm of enlightenment I choose to call "Dada-Land".
And despite this entry being a rant this is not meant in a sarcastic way. It is really wonderful here, in the right hemisphere of my brain. Everything is right, everything is wonderful, everything is elevating, everything is full of comfort.
It is like being wrapped up in the most tender, most encompassing, most warming embrace of a person you love more than words or every other means of transmitting something can ever say. It is, in a way, the ultimate love. It is heaven, the realm of sheer serenity, the peak of the infinitely high spire of mount celestia.
Enlightenment, if you will.
And since this state of consciousness cannot be harmed or described in any way, there is nothing wrong with writing a rant about it.
I had a conversation just about an hour ago with a friend whose opinion I value a lot and whom I call the Red Kite of Dionysos, which brought up a lot of things about DaDa-Land that eat away sanity faster than a spark ignites gasoline.
Most importantly it became clear that the feeling of DaDa-Land is in no way describable. What the fuck? Which bloody bastard decided that the most wonderful of all states of being had to be an indescribable one, god dammit! Where is the sense in that? Something that is indescribalbe can also never be shared! Which in turn means, that no matter how wonderful it is, it will make you the loneliest person on this fraggin planet! What kind of utter bullshit is that?!? And it does not end there. Over the course of the conversation it became crystal clear that in order to enter DaDa-Land you have to shed everything that makes you human! Every opinion, every habit, every trait of character, every hope, every DREAM.....they all cease to exist here! What remains besides an empty shell if these things are annihilated? Entering DaDa-Land means to DIE! Your ego, your self-awareness, even your thoughts all vanish. You cease to exist! And if there is no more "you" or "I" then what is the sense in being there? What good is DaDa-Land if you have to strip all humanity in order to get there? Bloody fucking hell, which sort of ultimately crazed wanker callng himself "God" came up with such an insane idea?
While these revelations can be brushed aside fairly easily since they refer to things of a very abstract nature (try "feeling" an ego), there is one disadvantage of DaDa-Land that much more directly tangible and also much more horrific.
While gliding through DaDa-Land I found an old blog entry of a loose accquaintance of mine. Let us call her the Fox of Athena. This entry spoke of love. The most romantic, most intense, most heartfelt kind of love on this planet. The love we all dream of having. The love that is just the one crucial step away from the feeling I called "true love" in my last entry. The "safe version" of true love, if you will. The greatest imaginable joy, a dream so wonderful even thinking about it makes you want to cry.
Not in DaDa-Land though. The greatest feeling a human is capable of is mercilessly crushed as if it was a sickness that needed to be eradicated. Just try to imagine this for a moment.
In the realm of enlightenment, love is dead. You open the portal of heaven and what greets you is death! Who in the hell decided it has to be that way? Not enough that you cannot share DaDa-Land, you are even denied the fullfilling of the most elemental desire! Holy shit, the creator of the universe must have a real good sense of being a total asshole!
You are given ultimate comfort and robbed of everything that made you human. Even love is not left untouched!
Dammit what good is that?
It is like some omnipotent, utterly sadistic superbeing hands you the keys to paradise and then robs you of all five senses with the exception of pain perception and then gives you a titanic kick in the balls, which in turn ruins every kind of fun you might have in that heaven that lies ahead of you.
And this totally pisses me off!
8 fragging years of practice and how do I end up? Totally ripped off!
And not only that! This devious little land has the habbit of not even giving you a choice! It simply forces itself upon you, and the frequency of my visits there is about to go through the roof.
"Screwed by enlightenment - The best way to get yourself dehumanized"
none of what I have just said matters here in DaDa-Land. And while what I have said is perfectly true it is not what you think it is.
It stems from a way of thinking that ceases to exist as well. I had to forcefully reacreate it in order to write these lines. There is no pain here. No sorrow, no rage. Once you are here your awareness of the world around you changes in a way that simply nullifies everything that might hurt you or make you sad and makes room for something completely new and different. As I said at the start: Da-Da-Land cannot be "hurt". Not by a rant, not by anything else. And DaDa-Land can also never hurt you.
The artificial rant I wrote above is what YOU will think at one point or another should you ever decide to pursue the goal of enlightenment. It is what the Red Kite of Dionysos thought throughout our conversation. And I am fairly sure it is what the Fox of Athena will think if I ever try to describe DaDa-Land in front of her.
And that is what truly pisses me off, for real this time!
You cannot describe DaDa-Land. If you do, you will frighten everyone to death, preventing them from ever trying to go there. And if you do not, many people will never know DaDa-Land exists. And that is the damnedest thing!
Allright, may the 9th and the Eagle of Hyperion has finally nailed it.
Nailed what? Well, have a little patience, allright? This rant will smack you in the face soon enough.
In my last entry I spoke about the effect the description of DaDa-Land has on people. The Red Kite of Dionysos fled in horror, afraid to lose his sanity and his happiness and supposedly the Fox of Athena would do the same, although she is, as far as I can tell, a much stronger and much wiser person.
It just so happened that I had another conversation about this topic with another close friend of mine. Let us call him the Coyote of Eris. The interesting thing is, that he is actually one of the few people who have not only thought about DaDa-Land but have actually BEEN there. In his case, his visit there lasted for 4 years. 4 YEARS!. From what I know this state of mind called "enlightenment" is extremely fragile, persisting only for minutes or hours at first contact.
And to be honest, I was a lot more than awestruck when I heard that. I was even more struck (thunderstruck this time), when I heard that he had left DaDa-Land and chosen to only come back for very short periods of time.
What in the name of the horrors of hell could make a human leave DaDa-Land, who is seemingly a MASTER when it comes to staying there???
I know a lot of transcendentalists, psychonauts, occultists and like-minded people and each and everyone of them would give their left hand to be able to reside in DaDa-Land for so long.
But he, the master, had left. This quite intrigued me and, I must admit, triggered a fair amount of fear. There was, after all, a good possibility that I had overlooked one or two crucial things.
But, being the erisian bastard that he is, he left me without an answer. What arose was one of the times that give me the opportunity to show that I do not call myself the Eagle of Hyperion for nothing, so I set out on my own to find possible catches, trapdoors and all sorts of ugly things that might turn DaDa-Land into something highly unpleasant.
The first thing I stumbeld upon turned out to be by far one of the most elemental drives of human life: Wishes.
Pesky little bastards, these wishes. Tiny demons the idiots called "humans" treat as loveable pets. Yes, I said "idiots" and I mean it. If you prefer a less insulting term substitute it with "sleepwalker".
We all have theam, no question, and to most of us these tiny demons are as natural as breathing. They give us identification, an ego, an awareness ouf our inner selves, they form a path ahead of us, provide us with aims, goals and above all, a sense of life.
Sounds like there is nothing wrong with them, right? Well wrong again!
Time to start the rant....
Allright, here is Joe No-one. He does not have any wishes and accordingly has no personality, no disdains, no fears no nothing. To him, life is a fountain of infinite miralces and everyday a new world full of new things unfolds. He is a being without bias, without sorrow, without fear, without pain.
He is like Jesus, Buddha, Krishna and all the other saviors. He is what we would define as a perfectly dvinine being, completely innocent.
And then comes the first wish. Suddenly the infinite number of paths laid out before Joe No-one dramatically deacreases to one or two. One or two!!!
All it takes is one wish to polarize the spectrum of experiences into a FEW ones you like and an INFINITE number you do not like or do not care about! One wish and you will be trapped in the golden cage of your ego. One wish an ALL divinity is GONE! One wish is enough to kill a savior! One wish and another pontential Jesus nails himself to the cross!
And what do you say? "Well, wishes are good. They give us meaning..blablabla".
How can you honestly say that? Is that really what you want to think? Well newsflash dude: you just became the embodiement of cruelty!
The most elementary logic shows that all you do by taking up a wish is GENERATING the very things that you will come to fear at one point or another! Fear and terror are not in this world because they are, but because YOU MADE THEM! Your WISHES made them! If that is not pure idiocy, then what is? But instead of facing that fact all humans do is lamenting about all their unfulfiled wishes.
"Why can I not have this oder that?"
"Why is love so hard to attain?"
"Why is the world so full of tragedy?"
"Why do people always hurt me and care so little about me?"
Well, what did you expect? By taking up wishes you create, as I have said, an INFINITE spectrum of things you do not want or do not care about. EVERY human does that. And you wonder why you are, most of the time, a part of another persons infinite "do not like, do not care" - spectrum?
How blind can you be, goddammit! YOU made it that way. You and nobody else! What good is a wish? It gives you happiness for a short time and unhappiness for a much longer time! It is like a DRUG. Try letting go your wishes. Right here, right now and face it: you cannot! You have become a slave to them without being aware of it. Yet you parade them in front of you like they are everything that matters, like gods. No wonder DaDa-Land frightens everyone like withdrawal frightens the addict! And who is aware of that? Maybe a hundred people on this planet, maybe even less. And you honestly wonder why nothing goes the way you want it to?
Well, here is the solution: WAKE UP!
Let us get back to the Coyote of Eris. After having found the idiocy of wishes I re-examined our conversation, in particular his personal portal to DaDa-Land. And there it was, as clear as they come:
He had entered DaDa-Land through the fulfillment of a wish! A fulfiment that had persisted for 4 Years. Then it had ended. And voila, the now unfulfilled wish that had once opened the portal had now closed it, brutally forcing him out of DaDa-Land. Since he had never been aware of the mechanism that had allowed him to enter DaDa-Land and the paradoxicity of wishes, DaDa-Land ITSELF had become a wish to him. I guess everyone can imagine what it is like when the ultimate serenity is taken away from you while you still wish for it. And again: perfect proof for the idiocy of wishes.
Then there is the Red Kite of Dionysos. He as well was totally afraid of letting go his wishes. He has, as most young people astrong yearning for love. The thought of abandoning the possible fulfillment of this wish made him go crazy. "Please, do not take that away from me!" he said to me. "If you take that away only death will remain. I do not want to die!"
A good example of what wishes can do a human. An he is certainly no exception.
Tkae a good look at his words. He MISTOOK his wishes for his LIFE, and when it comes to philosophy or transcendentalism he is by far one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. EVEN HE did not see the idiocy of wishes. It is so subtle so well disguised that few of us ever get the very CHANCE to see it!
Is that not something highly unfair? From my point of view it is more devilish than most things in the world. The idiocy of wishes is, by the way, what the christians talk about when they speak of the devil and his temptations, although most of them do not realize what they are refering to and instead focus on their WISH for an enemy they can hate, god dammit!
Tha last example of what wishes can do to a human is the Fox of Athena. As I have said one of her blog entries speaks of the ultimate love. This girl is indeed capapble of ultimate compassion and total commitment when it comes to love, capapble of totally losing herself in the love for another human. She is capapble of LIVING one of the highest ideals of romanticism which is, I must admit, quite an achievement. And what has it given her 90% of the time? PAIN. Her wish for love was and is so strong that it is ultimately unsustainnable. She is a slave to that highest of ideals. As many of us are. When I first met her we almost instantly spoke about love and she swiftly revealed all the dumb things she had done over the course of pursuing her ideal. And it was a long list.
This is nothing uncommon these days. We all know one or two people who repeatedly smack their heads into the wall of romantic futility.
And why? If you ask them, they will not have an answer ready most of the time.
Now talk about wishes being a good thing! How cynic can you get?
Not only will they make you do the craziest things and give you a major kick in the bals of your soul with a high frequency, they will also leave you without any kind of explanation and thus the worst kind of pain there is. You cannot fight what you cannot explain.
As I said the Fox is very strong intelligent and wise person. In fact I guess she will be one of the few humans that all humanity regards as "great" in a few years. Yet still she always fails when it comes to achieving love. So if even a really great human is utterly defenseless when it comes to wishes then who is not?
Few are the souls who ever realize that. And if they do, they turn away, happily blinded by the drug called wishes! Idiots.
Normally I would not blame these people, since here in DaDa-Land there is no reason for it. But this is a rant, so I do.
YOUR wishes are the reason for your happiness or unhappiness and nothing else!
So wake up or shut up!